Boot to the Head
by Alitote
Summary: Ichijo finds an add for a hypnotism kit... poor Shiki... :


**This story is completely random and meant to be funny, so there's a little OOC and probably a smidge AU to make it work but I promise to try and stick to the actual characters, so no ooc pairings or something...**

**Anyway, I dont own Vampire Knight or anything by the genius Dr. Demento. (If it's not obvious I recently listened to one of his radio skits before I wrote this...) and i took some themes from one of my favorite Dr. Demento skit: Boot to the Head or Tiakwon Leap to make this fanfic...**

**btw, it's set around the time of the 2 tankabon... So nothing Important has happened**

It all started... when Ichijo finished one of his magazines!

On the back cover he saw a hot young model advertising something the childish aristocrat just could not resist: _a hypnotism kit!_

**Hey Kids!**

**Wanna Impress your Friends?**

**Wanna Control your Enemies?**

**Wanna Rule your School?**

**Then Purchase your Hypnotism kit today!**

"Oooh..." Ichijo cooed, "This is the true power to be feared..."

* * *

><p>"Shiki! I have need of you!" Ichijo called throughout the dorm weeks later, searching for his roommate. He found the vampire in the common room with their usual group of vampires lounging around.<p>

"What now?" Shiki complained. He was busy reading a favorite magazine, flipping through it's ads in search of a favorite model of his.

"I need you to test something for me!" Takuma cried, "No! Where are you going? Don't run away!"

"The last thing I 'tested' for you left my underarms purple!" Shiki struggled, trying to fight Ichijo, who was now pushing him away from the door and onto the couch.

"It's nothing dangerous!" Ichijo pleaded, "Just a little hypnotism!"

By now the rest of the group was watching intently, and even Kain had to raise his eye brows at the word "Hypnotism".

"If I dont want you anywhere near my pits, what makes you think I want you anywhere near my mind?" Shiki questioned snarkily.

But Takuma Ichijo had already pulled a gold watch from the packing box...

"Stare deep into the watch..." Takuma commanded, using a deep sultry voice and waving his other hand around like a floundering octopus.

"No!" Shiki cried defiantly.

"You feel weightless, like a feather."

"I'm a thousand pounds, like my annoyance for you right now!"

"Your eyelids are getting heavy, you want to close them..."

"I refuse!" Shiki squinted through dry eyes.

"Your going to sleep... _now!_"

"Okay." a deep yawned escaped the sleepy Shiki.

"What?" Rima exclaimed, watching her friend sag into the couch, fast asleep.

"Hush Rima." shushed Ichijo, "Now Shiki, when you hear the command..." Ichijo racked his brains, "'Boot to the Head', you will... throw... your shoe... aaat... Hanabusa!"

"What?" Aido cried, "Why me?"

"Because you'll have the best reaction, now hush!" Ruka chided, swatting the back of Aido's head.

"Oh come on like it's even possible!" Rima cried standing up, "Shiki's obviously just playing along!"

"Now when I snap my fingers, you will awaken!" Ichijo cried, snapping his fingers.

Instantly Shiki gasped as his body reinflated with the air required for being concious, "I'm hungry." Shiki remarked.

"**Boot to the Head**!" Ichijo cried, unable to hide his mounting excitement.

In one fluid motion Shiki removed his shoe and beaned Aido across the face with it.

The whole room went silent in shock at what Shiki had just done.

Then the room exploded!

"YOUR A GENIUS ICHIJO!"

"MY FACE!"

"MAKE HIM DO IT AGAIN!"

"SHIKI! WERE YOU REALLY HYPNOTISED BY ICHIJO?"

"HE DID _WHAT_ TO ME?"

"SILENCE!" Ruka screamed the loudest, "Why are you numbskulls waisting this great oppurtunity?" Ruka asked, sending a malicious smile at Aido as she began to remove her heel.

Aido squealed like a pig and bolted from the room as everyone around him followed Ruka so as to keep Shiki supplied with more ammo and gave chase, screaming,

"**Boot to the Head!**" A shoe went flying.

"**Boot to the Head!**" A shoe flew through the air.

"**Boot to the Head!**" Another shoe cut through the air and connected with the back of Aido's head.

"HELP ME!" Aido screamed.

"**Boot to the Head!**"

"Kain! You too?" Aido cried betrayed.

"Sorry Cousin, but you know, 'When in Rome...'" Kain shrugged, removing his other shoe.

And so, the members of the Night Class chased Aido through the Moon Dorm, pelting loafers, heels, converse, and even a few dirty socks at Hanabusa Aido, squealing in laughter every time he cried in surprise as every shoe hit it's mark.

"**Boot to the He-!**"

"What are you guys doing?" Kaname interrupted, walking out of his room.

Aido, seeing this as his shining chance at salavtion, bolted towards the pureblood.

"Kaname-sama!" He was on his knees, bowing to the great pureblood lord,"Kaname-sama! Please make them stop pelting me with their shoes!"

"What?" Kaname asked, confused.

"Kaname-sama! Watch!" Ichijo laughed, "**Boot to the Head!**"

Instantly, Shiki absently pelted Aido with Ruka's heel. It bounced painfully off his head and down the hall somewhere.

"Hmm." Kaname paused, "Why though?"

"It's a gift Kaname-sama! For you!" Ichijo announced.

"Wait, you turned me into a present?" Shiki asked annoyed.

"Oh gosh! Thank's for reminding me!" Ichijo dug a hand into his pocket and slapped a giant purple bow on Shiki's head. Then he pushed the vampire towards Kaname.

Kaname looked down at the "gift" thoughtfully. What use could this be to him?

"K-Kaname-sama?" Aido stuttered weakly.

"When will Shiki stop doing this?" Kaname ignored the trembling Aido.

"He won't! The command is deeply engraved in Shiki's psychie!" Ichijo assured.

"He didn't concede to it!" Rima shouted out of nowhere.

"So... you forced Shiki to be hypnotised so that he'll throw shoes at Aido on command therebye resulting in Aido's pain?" Kaname asked, conforming everything he'd gathered.

"Doesn't it fill you with joy at the thought Kaname-sama?"

"Ichijo, Hypnotism is a violation of Shiki's personal rights as a being and an all-out assualt on Aido's person. It's a disgusting display of the power of inflicting your own personal will and agendas on your close friends and should be treated as such!... **Boot to the Head!**"

"Ack!"

* * *

><p>"Step back! Everyone! Step back!" Yuki Cross waved her hands like an orchestra conductor, trying to keep the girls of the Day Class at bay while the Night Class made their way to class.<p>

Aido, rubbing his sore and bruised head, yawned. His only rest was when the rest of the Night Class had grown tired and slunk off to bed. But Aido hadn't even been able to sleep. Instead he kept silent watch incase someone snuck Shiki inside his room so as to pelt him with more shoes.

Now Aido could barely keep his eyes open as he walked to class. His eyelids were heavy, sleep weighing heavily on them. He felt drained, all life had lost joy for him.

Then he spotted Yuki trying to keep a particularly large group of girls at bay. Aido felt a smile creep up his face. Surely he could find joy in this?

"Yuki!" Aido cried like an excited child, wrapping an arm around the disciplanary commitee member, "I missed you! When are you going to come visit me again?" Then he took a step back, eager to see his handiwork bare fruit.

As expected, the Day Class girls turned Green with Envy.

"You... visited... IDOL?" Some one screamed.

"Explain yourself Cross!"

"Oooh! Idol's mine!"

"No! He's mine!"

"He's mine you pathetic fangirls!"

"Ladies, ladies," Aido smiled at them all, spreading his hands, "I can't help it if dear Yuki can't keep her claws away from me. She's just so -"

"**Boot to the Head.**"

"-Ack!" Aido cried as Shiki's shoe hit Aido in the head.

"Come along Hanabusa." Kaname said, smiling but using a dangerous tone.

"Y-Yes President Kuran." Aido sighed, holding his head where he was sure it was bleeding.

"Oh, and grab Shiki's shoe for him. He's done so much for me already."

"What? But he threw it-"

"**Boot to the Head**! You can grab the other one too."

"Ahh! Yes President Kuran." Aido said miserably.

"You know Ichijo, that was quite a thoughtful gift. I can finally breathe easier now that Aido's been brought under control." Kaname said, walking with Ichijo to the high school building.

"Your welcome, it was worth the seven box tops and three bucks plus shipping and handling, wasn't it?"

**Okay... like it? hate it? I think the ending needs work... im sorry *bows deeply in apology*! anyway, leave a review, idea, or a cookie as offering for this wonderful gift ive bestowed upon you! (that doesnt sound concieted at all huh?) and if i can come up with a better ending i'll edit this one!**


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